“My child is autistic”. For many parents/caregivers that sentence can carry a lot of emotional weight. Understandably, many families struggle with accepting the fact that their child has autism, and it can take time to come to terms with it. Every family's experience with a newfound reality such as this one is different, but it is important to know that you are not alone during this time and that the emotional process you are undertaking is important.

Accept and embrace your emotions

Take time with your loved ones to process and digest this new information and make space for the feelings you are experiencing. Whether that be sadness, worry, confusion, anxiety, anger or all of the above. Potentially, you and your whānau may even find some relief or solace in your child being given an autism diagnosis. To expand, for some parents/caregivers of autistic children, a diagnosis offers answers to all the questions and confusion they had been wading through when it comes to their child’s development. A diagnosis for some whānau can bring clarity to a situation and show a clear way forward. For some, it may not. Finding out your child is autistic is such a complicated and uncertain time period for most whānau, it is okay, and expected, to feel such a rollercoaster of emotions.

Expect, but do not accept, self-blame or guilt

An important feeling to try and not settle in is self-blame or guilt. Parents/caregivers of autistic children commonly express feeling this way when their child receives a diagnosis. For example, some parents/caregivers report feeling guilty for not noticing differences in their child earlier on in their development. Others attribute the cause of their child’s autism to parenting mistakes they view they have made and begin to doubt their capability to provide their child with the support they need. In some cases, parents/caregivers feel as if they have passed on a genetic burden to their child. It is important to remind yourself if these thoughts do occur that, though there is no known definitive cause for autism, you as a parent/caregiver did not cause your child’s autism and your abilities as a parent/caregiver are not in question. 

Self-care

Though it may seem like the time to focus all your energy and efforts on your child and their diagnosis, remember during difficult times it is also very important to take care of yourself as well. By fulfilling your own needs and keeping yourself in a happy and healthy place physically and mentally you will be best equipped to support your child. That being said, we have included some self-care advice that all parents deserve, but do not always take time to prioritise.

1. Scheduling “me time” - make sure you spend this time (no matter how long) doing something that brings you joy.

2. Exercise - moving your body has huge physical, mental and psychological benefits that you deserve to experience. 

3. Embrace help - the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” could not be more pertinent in this situation. Allow your surrounding whānau and friends to help you.

4. Seek wider support - look to your wider community for support as well. Here is a link to a blog post we have written surrounding support for autistic children and their whānau.

At Acorn, we acknowledge and respect the emotional process parents/caregivers go through, not just when they first receive their child’s autism diagnosis, but every day after that as well. As an organisation, we admire your strength and perseverance, and we are here to offer not only therapeutic services for your child but support for you and your whānau as well.

If you are searching for support in New Zealand that is not provided by us at Acorn please follow the link provided above to a post about seeking support, which outlines services for you and your whānau that we hope you will find helpful.

References and Resources

Autism - Takiwātanga, Kids Health - https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/autism-takiwātanga 

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Coping with an Autism Diagnosis, Kennedy Krieger Institute - https://www.kennedykrieger.org/sites/default/files/library/documents/patient-care/centers-and-programs/center-for-autism-and-related-disorders/card-coping-with-an-autism-diagnosis.pdf 

“It’s All My Fault!” Understanding Guilt in Parents of Children with ASD, Autism Spectrum News - https://autismspectrumnews.org/its-all-my-fault-understanding-guilt-in-parents-of-children-with-asd/ 

Parents of children on the Autism Spectrum: Feelings about a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Health Talk - https://healthtalk.org/parents-children-autism-spectrum/feelings-about-a-diagnosis-of-autistic-spectrum-disorder-asd 

Causes of Autism, Autism Society - https://www.autism-society.org/what-is/causes/ 

What Causes Autism, Autism Speaks - https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-causes-autism 

The Importance of Self-Care for Parents of Special Needs Children, Caravel Autism Health - https://caravelautism.com/caravel-autism-insights/the-importance-of-self-care-for-parents-of-special-needs-children/ 

What About Your Special Needs? Self-Care for Parents of Children with Special Needs, Parent Map - https://www.parentmap.com/article/what-about-your-special-needs-self-care-for-parents-of-special-needs-children 

Self-Care Tips for Parents of Special Needs Children, Good Therapy - https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/self-care-tips-for-parents-of-special-needs-children-0810175